One Step Away

The night stood still, waiting
For me to make the choice
Rhythmic beats blared in my ears
Muffling my family’s voice

I covered up their cries
By strange men’s musical lies
I stole comfort from random words
As my feet turned to frozen ice

I looked below me, saw my father
Tears fell hard and hard and hard
I removed the spectacles I wore
And let them drop and turn to shards

I looked below me and wondered
If end would really be there for me
And if I hit that ground, if I fall
Would I, finally, be set free?

For fear was not of the final end,
But of an aimless existence
I didn’t fear letting go of life
But my life’s strong resistance

I cried and cried, felt lighter in years
The music strangely in sync with me
After so long, I felt happy to smile
With my end close enough to see

Suddenly, my head turned right
I found my father’s face looking at me
My heart twisted at the sight of tears
And I tried to hurry my ending

A step away from the end, I crawled
His words stopped me though
I wanted to be free for once
But his voice didn’t let me go

Is it silly that I doubt his tears
And wonder why he’d cry for me?
Is it silly that I regret my fear of fall,
Of not being as brave as I tried to be?

Still, their tears broke me more
I couldn’t bear to see them so
I stepped back, away from ledge
Choosing another day to let go

I screamed myself hoarse,
I was a failure, alas, it seemed
My father tried to keep me together
But his words just kept biting me

He told me I couldn’t be that weak
I couldn’t give up so easily
He told me to fight and fight and fight
And never let my hope go free

That nebulizer shot he took that night
He was finding it hard to breathe
My mother’s eyes and tongue turned cruel
She, too, had not lost the hate for me

My brother asked me why I did this
Why I created this air of fear and pain
Shame became my new found mask
Covering that thin layer of self-disdain

I’d lost what I craved the most that day,
By an attempt that cost me everything
Cowards never deserve respect
And a coward is what it made me

[to be continued in the next post]

–Katyaini Ranjan Choudhary

Picture Credit: http://wondergressive.com/suicide-test-97-percent-accuracy

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2 Comments Add yours

  1. It’s quite intriguing…

    Like

    1. The Vindictive Bitch says:

      thanks!

      Like

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